Apr 012011

It has been exposed that I am a reptile alien and that I am the head of the Illuminati, the conspiracy that runs the planet.  Most people think this is a really fun job.  It’s not.  My reptile alien and other alien underlings are competent, but my human underlings are not.  My human underlings are incompetent, and they are always causing security breaches.  For instance, we had this brilliant plan to make human enslavement official through the use of bike sharing programs run by the U.N., but some crazy candidate for Governor in Colorado last year figured it all out.  We made sure he didn’t win the election, but the damage was done.  Even worse was how our underwater base of the coast of Patagonia got discoveredhow it’s been revealed that we’re monitoring human nuclear weapons, and how a human bureaucratic snafu led to a Russian politician getting abducted by some of our alien compatriots.  Those aren’t the worst examples.  The worst has to be how everyone now knows we’re planning to destroy Christian marriage.  We can’t even fix that one because absolutely everyone knows.  Lucky for us, it hasn’t really affected our plans.

One of the problems with my human underlings is inbreeding.  The Illuminati has had several generations of the Rockefellers, Rothschilds, Joneses, etc. working for it.  The first generation of these families had low intelligence to being with (They were human after all), but they got stupider with each generation.  They did crazy things like expose our plans to random people and made plans for human enslavement that were not supposed to change for a hundred years.

I took over the Illuminati a few years ago by deposing its former leader, who failed to deal with these problems.  I almost was able to have him put on trial for his incompetence, but he committed reppuku, a reptile alien form of seppuku.  Since I took over I have cleaned up the Illuminati considerably.  I threw out stupid ideas like the depopulation agenda.  We have massive labor shortages all throughout the Reptile Alien Corporate Empire (even with having robotics tech that is millenia ahead of anything you have ever seen) so it’s a bad idea to kill off a major source of slave labor.  I also killed the feminism project.  It failed at all of its goals.  Some humans who had no knowledge of basic economics thought they could double the tax base with feminism and that women “working” useless government jobs would have no effect on the economy.  Killing the feminism project didn’t eliminate feminist from the world so I started the mens rights project which included subprojects like MGTOW to get rid of feminism by supporting the then tiny mens rights movement.  It’s been working very well.

I’m at a crossroads now.  To continue I need to get rid of my human underlings.  There’s no such thing as being fired from the Illuminati.  It’s execution only.  Since these are mostly high profile individuals that will be executed, their deaths will be noticed.  To deal with that problem I have a plan to blame their deaths on crazed conspiracy theorists.

However, I need replacement staff, and I want the best humanity has to offer.  I realize even the best of humanity still sucks but my options are limited.  I have decided to issue an open employment call for the Illuminati.  Do you think the world is run by a conspiracy with the intelligence level of monkeys?  Are you looking for a conspiracy you can really sink your teeth into?  Is the only problem with an evil conspiracy dominating the world that you’re not a part of it?  Do you look at your fellow humans and think they deserve to be slaves but not you?  Do most humans seem to have the intelligence level of chimpanzees to you?  Are you sexually attracted to reptile aliens and hot? Do you know that reptile aliens are superior beings?  If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, the a job in the Illuminati might be for you.

The Illuminati has excellent medical, dental, vision, and other benefits.  We have access to alien medical technology.  You won’t find that at any other job.  You also can request shifts on the orbital mind control lasers that we use to make guys like David Icke, Alex Jones, and Henry Makow even more insane.  It’s seriously fun.  Recently, I turned the setting up to “fried brain” while it was pointed at Charlie Sheen.  You know what happened next.

If you want to interview for the Illuminati, just think really hard that you want to interview with us.  We will telepathically detect your desire for an interview and send a reptile alien or other alien to interview you.  If no interviewer shows up in five minutes, your brain failed the first test and you’re not Illuminati material.  We don’t accept devil worshipers either.  Despite what you may have heard, there is no devil worship here.  During the interview you will be given several intelligence tests.  Pass those and you will get a job offer with the Illuminati.  If you refuse our offer, you will be executed because keeping you around is too dangerous.  You will be given a job in the Illuminati matching your skill set.  Some of you may even get to work directly for me in the secret command lair under Dulles Airport.

The only thing is that you can’t tell the Rockefellers, Rothschilds, etc. what is going on.  I need to complete hiring before I can have them executed.  If they find out about this plan, they might do something about.  On second thought, no they won’t.  They’re too stupid to do anything.  Feel free to tell them if you wish.  In fact, I encourage it just so you know what I have had to deal with the last few years.

Here is some reptile alien legalese for dealing with humans I need to include: We also have absolutely no sexual harassment policy, no affirmative action policy, no anti-discrimination policy, and no inter-species harassment policy.  We are not an equal opportunity employer either.  Employment at the Illuminati is completely at your own risk.  By agreeing to work for the Illuminati you agree that your life may be terminated for extreme incompetence and/or colossal failure.

Come work for the Illuminati today.  And if you think this is an April Fool’s joke, it’s not because reptile aliens don’t have April Fools Day in our culture.

  58 Responses to “Open Employment Call For The Illuminati”

  1. I’m not an alien reptile, alas, but I AM a domestic amphibian humanoid with a four-chambered stomach and a remarkably ductile reproductive organ. I have above-average empathic abilities, so I can be very useful in rounding up humans to toil in your underground sugar caves. Do I qualify for the position?

  2. The no sexual harassment policy has won me over. When can we schedule an interview?

    P.S. After I get hired I’m going to push for the Illuminati to mark the cast of Glee for extermination. My spies have informed me it’s an extremely annoying show. We can replace it with a Darwin awards reality series.

  3. […] Pro-Male/Anti-Feminist Tech – “Which is More Likely?“, “2011 First Quarter Dilbert Award Winner: Scott Adams“, “Open Employment Call for the Illuminati” […]

  4. So when I join witch I still dont know how’. Will I have money power and fame

  5. I want to work for the CIA and become an actor but I want to work for a secret organization and put a New world order in conmmand and be proud of it without the world knowing about it and discover more new things in life. so sign me up if you are telling the truth and prove it to me. because i can keep a secret. so it sounds like you are not tell the truth but only you can make that. and wouldn’t you be already be kill for telling that information. if it’s secret lets keep it that way. okay thank you for you time.

  6. I’ll love to have this job,i’ve been looking for a job for a very long time.i wouldn’t lie to u,i haven’t worked a professional job in my life,so i would be very happy to get this job.thank you very much.

  7. I wld realy love 2 have a job in the illuminati and get everything I want, lyke becoming an international rapper, famous movie actor, be rich,have wealth and everything thts in my mind cauz u can read minds.My purpose 2 have a job with u is to control peoples minds by giving sweat and convincing talk, by rapping and movie acting

  8. hahahahhahahhahaha. this is well written. i love how you incorporated feminism. woooo go feminist!

  9. If only this illuminati job entry was real ..
    Jus by using “illuminati” gave it away. Knowing its fake, ill still comment, theres always that 0.00001% it could be true. Sittin in this rotten system of yours, poor, angry, suffering as im surrounded by disgusting humans. Having to deal with there degrading vibes day by day. YOU vampires are my enemy for not making me rich and having me live like this as I wait for the new age. When MY time comes, I will annihilate any unpurites of this planet. I will destroy then recreate and form a pure planet. A god born in this human body. This is my Will. I WILL SHOW YOU TRUE GODLINESS! and end this illusion of good and evil… Till then.. FEAR MY AWAKENING!

  10. LoL

  11. Once you sign the doctrine of the Reptilian Illuminati, you have three years to offer your HUMAN sacrifice to your new elders. Sacrifice MUST be a human with whom you are close, IE immediate family member. Failure to do so will result in your body vaporizing and your soul being imprisoned in darkness for the next 3,600 years. We that come from the planet Worricc-7, in the Andromeda galaxy, are the true Illuminated. Illuminati, that is such a funny name. You can either go with the light, or with the light that is not light. The one you call Satan, is in actuality a Reptilian. I cannot explain any further. My superiors are monitoring this communication. As for this ‘job posting’ it is a scam. Human beings were not designed for slave labor. Reptilians have only one goal: to gather as many humans to be used as slaves. This term “job,” and the context in which it is used implies only one thing: you (human) will be working for the Reptilians. Do you want to be slaves? No, you do not. You are just too stupid to see what is happening right in front of every single one of you.

    You all just keep watching TV, and allowing the Reptilians to inject their programming into your brain, via alpha, delta, and gamma waves plus one more, kappa, which I will briefly discuss. Ever wonder why you get mad and yell at your TV? That would be the delta waves. The alpha waves are used mostly for sleeping humans, and for direct programming of the subconscious mind, although still used constantly on the conscious mind. CRT televisions and monitors have a high gamma wave output, and also microwave output. Because of this, humans who are sensitive to gamma waves will experience seizures. It causes mass brain activity, that the sensitive brain cannot keep up with. The tube inside these house 5-7 little filaments, like in an incandescent light bulb. When electricity passes through these filaments, the metal materials glow and vibrate, emitting colored light waves in special patters which cause a reaction in the brain. Plasma, LCD, and LED televisions have the same output, but by a different method, one even I cannot describe. The point of this is to show you what you are up against as “civilians.” During the interview process, since you are human, their voices will bombard your brain with kappa waves. Fluttering of an eyelid following kappa wave intrusion will reveal successful kappa wave programming. Upon attempted entry, you WILL be marked. Qualified human applicants who pass pre-initiation will be given 4 injections, which they will call vaccines. These drugs affect certain areas of the brain, causing you to lose most free thought. A fifth injection will follow in three days. This session will be your final session. You will be administered with another vaccine, only this particular injection is special. Hundreds of microscopic ‘robots’ are injected into your bloodstream. This is what you call nanotechnology. These robots are programmed to seek certain areas of the brain, and key nerves throughout the body. They will attach themselves and will essentially give these Reptilians control over your entire body, thoughts and actions. These micro-bots work in sync with each other, and relay all data and information about you (what you see, hear, taste, smell, say, think etc) back to your superiors. However, if one fails, they all fail. This happens, but to about 1 in 250 humans. Failure of these micro-bots allows you to regain normal thought patters and actions. Execution is STRICTLY ENFORCED on subjects with failed micro-bots. Look at your mainsteam musicians, actors, politicians. 95% have been bought and are under Reptilian control.

    Your time is almost up. According to records on Worricc-6, 4.2 billion humans have already been branded as slaves, since the last cleansing 3,599 years ago. Earth is currently home to 8 billion humans. Do you really want to add to this statistic? On your current path, you already have.

    Do not fear them. Fear is an illusion painted in the mind for purposes of order and control. Be reluctant in what you believe. Do not follow anybody. Make your own decisions. Be your own person.

    I cannot tell you anymore. You must decide for yourself which path to choose or do what most of you do best and let someone choose for you.

    Good luck.


    • Yes, but are you knowledged in Laws of End Time Reductionism?

      It is key to the understanding.

  12. im from hell but im not a demon

  13. Am looking for employment !

    • According to records on M-31, Andromeda Galaxy, you are strictly forbidden from gaining employment for any Illuminati or any related agency.
      Code: D-16 Chap. 38 Sub-Chap. 162b. Line 4,165.

      • What about me

        • We will send an agent to your location. You will not be able to see this agent, but said agent will observe you and your family. You will face three tests in the next three days. Once you acknowledge this message, we will begin if you pass the requirements:

          1) IQ greater than 119 (our agent can detect this)
          2) No felony convictions ever
          3) Can pass a hair follicle drug screen which goes back EIGHT years
          4) You MUST recruit four others to be part of your Illuminati team

      • Sorry I will not work with 119 iq people. Way to below me.

        • How dare you lie to me?! Your IQ is between 95 and 100. You failed the first test.

        • No lie harvard administered iq test 168.
          But would fail drug test due to someone spiking my drink

        • First of all, if you had an IQ of 168, you would type with correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar. It is unnatural for such smart mortals to type in such a way. Second, I will make a note on your records forbidding your employment. Have a nice day.

        • Grammar has nothing to do with iq. So I am thinking you are just a bored unemployed socitey leach. Enjoy my tax money for your food stamps

  14. My name is jonathan escabi and I want to join the illuminati because am a young man seeking the truth to be honest I feel different I say to my self I hate humans is something that comes out of me but let’s get to the point am loyal honest am young but very strong let’s put it this way I can see n feel what other humans can’t do I knoe u can track me n am hopeing I can many of u guys one day my goal is get power n destroy people

    • Since you hate humans, you are forever forbidden from becoming a part of this organization. Don’t listen to the Reptilian loon who started this. You don’t want to join them, as you are human. Rest assured of one thing: if you join the Reptilians, you will severely regret that decision.

  15. I am compleatly ready to become a slave to the ones above me, I just hope my interveiw went well

  16. Im good at following rules plus i am a Rapper with other skills i really want money and fame but a honor to serve you can i have a interview

    • Hello Justin. Thank you for your interest with our agency. It seems you are qualified, but we still have a problem. Have you ever:

      1) Visited a psychic
      2) Played Ouija
      3) Have or attempted to sell your soul to hell

      There appears to be a block between you and the agent whom you’ve been assigned. You must correct this issue before we can continue with the application process.

      Chap. 3 Sub-Chap 74 Line 209 –

      • I have tried to sell my soul by saying some words i found on the internet. Can you tell me what you think is the block between me and the agent.

        • But i am not a devil worshiper i did it to try to get money and fame

        • Due to restrictions set by my superiors, I cannot provide the information you seek. It is against policy for me to look into your monitor without proper authorization, which would be necessary to determine the cause of the kappa wave block. The most logical reason would be what you said. However, due to several recent security breaches in sectors 4 and 5, communication between the monitors and this command station have temporarily ceased.

          It doesn’t matter who you worship. Worshiping humans however is strictly forbidden, and is usually punished by fire. Illuminati isn’t about religion though. It is about bettering our ways of living, and helping humanity in general. It shows moral responsibility to have faith and live by certain laws. To help your brothers, to help those you do not know, is helping humanity. I cannot give you any more information concerning Illuminati and religion. You will find out on your own, if you are hired into the Illuminati.

      • Can i still get a interview

  17. I nominate Andrew Richards as an honorary illuminati reptillian worshipping mole

    Andrew Richards you cant join the illuminati unless you have a vagina stapled to your ass permanently … & vew gay porn for a living …

    You also have to be able to juggle multiple dildos while wearing a strap on, & dancing like a monkey for feminists …

    Andrew Richards is a classic role model for reptillian illuminati applicants everywhere …

    • Says the man who actively engages in shaming tactics and mockery in response to anyone arguing for even a minor deviation from the paradigm of male disposability, but then what can you expect from a self-confessed PUA. By their very nature, PUAs are male slaves kept in line by sex, just as men always have been by the system – slaves who foolishly believe their slave collar is a sign of liberation. All this of course, while ignoring that no matter how much you live it up in a prison; you’re still behind bars.

      After all this is the same guy who adopted a blatantly feminist stance regarding male victims of abuse and then doubled down through the own goal of telling someone taking a staunchly pro-male stance on it and related issues that they have no idea about the MRM or men’s issues.

      You have no rational argument, and to date you’ve carried on like you’re some feminist sock puppet. But then those who lack the ability to comprehend the deeper issues will invariably compensate through mockery.

      Oh and FYI, if there was a massive paradigm shift where men’s lives because cherished by society as opposed to deemed worthless, the entire system of the global elite would come crashing down like a house of cards.

      • *Oh and FYI, if there was a massive paradigm shift where men’s lives became cherished by society as opposed to deemed worthless, the entire system of the global elite would come crashing down like a house of cards.

        • LOL … holy shit, seriously write comedy thats hilarious …

          The mangina whackjobs swarming like flies to their own vagina’s …

          NO HOMO … men ARE NOT VICTIMS, we dominate & conquer

          Men want the opportunity to dominate & conquer & provide for our families

          THATS what men want


          Go fuck yourself & your homo liberal whackjob bullshit

        • “NO HOMO … men ARE NOT VICTIMS, we dominate & conquer”

          You mean until a man-

          * finds himself destitute and homeless
          * in an abusive relationship where every aspect of himself is systematically broken through even the slightest of his vulnerabilities being exploited
          * experiences sexual violence as either a man or a boy (at which point society regards his as “becoming a man” anyway)

          At that point men are victims of trauma and to deny otherwise or to deny them compassion is to staunchly support gynocentrism and the fundamentals of feminism.

          Yet your response, despite the fact that it merely reinforces feminist doctrine is to dogmtically adhere to a position that men are “less than nothing” (ergo thereore they are “less than human”; therefore do not count as human victims of trauma and abuse; therefore only women are victims of trauma and abuse) the moment they either suffer soul-destroying trauma or become destitute.

          Furthermore if there is a real illuminati, you are perpetuating the model of masculinity which they want. Case in point; a few centuries ago in the UK, there was a massive legislative reform period, and hundreds of laws banning men living off the land in ways that were perfectly legal up until that point.

          The result was that the vast bulk of England’s rural male population were turned into a mobile workforce of slave labour – by a system that offered little in the way of support despite destroying their way of life, left the vast majority of them permanently homeless (which was also a crime – classed as “vagrancy”), and would execute them when things got desterate enough that they were forced to steal a loaf of bread to avoid starvation.

          Yet according to your stance, that was theit fault and they deserved everything heaped on them for a “failure to conquer”.

          Tell me, if a man is screwed ovewr by the family courts, is that his fault for “failing to conquer” a legal system so gargantuan and corrupt that no man alone could every hpe to change it? What about men thrown in jail due to false rape allegations? According to the premise of your argument you think it is.

          You’ve accused me of knowing nothing about the MRM, yet you mock the very focus of the MRM – those men at the bottom and completely overlooked by both feminists and tradcons alike.

          “Men want the opportunity to dominate & conquer & provide for our families

          THATS what men want”

          No that’s what tradcon sheep want. Zeta men want out of slavery and an existence that is far deeper, far more authentic and far more fulfilling. We want a life where we are valued for our humanity rather than our utility. So what if we wind up sexless for the rest of our lives, at least we’ll have our humanity.

          The truth is that only blind tradcons like you want to adhere to the tradcon paradigm of masculinity. The reason is that you’re spineless and isecure fools who want to feel good about yourselves so desperately that you cling to male disposability – all because you’re too scared to ask yourself what exists outside of that role.

          The irony is that if you actually grew a backbone and asked yourself that question – I mean REALLY asked yourself that question you’d find the answer would be possibilities you never imagined, limits removed and true self-mastery.

          But hey, why put in the hard yards there when you take take the easy option and engage in shallow and meningless sex with a random stranger right?

          Small wonder that men are starting to desert the gameosphere in droves because they’ve finally come to the conclusion that it is nothing but an empty and hollow endeavour which.

          “Go fuck yourself & your homo liberal whackjob bullshit”

          And this is precisely why the right are just as much the enemy of men’s rights as the left are. Your classic tradcons here will all harp on about the left’s support of feminism, while ignoring that white knight lemmings like him who defend the slavery of the prescribed male role of “provider and protector” and who fill political organisations like the Republicans, who are just as eager to pass VAWA as the Democrats.

          Congratulations- you’ve just proved that PUAs who double down on tradconism in response to feminism, rather than actually looking at what is needed for men, are just as much the enemy to the MRA as feminists and tradcons are.

          Actually I take that back – PUAs, unlike the other groups, are nothing but prasites looking to make a quick buck off the situation, making them even worse.

  18. Is this real? I need proof. Please give it to me because I need to know before I join something. Thank you! 😀

    • You get no proof. You join on faith. Ask yourself this: why would we want somebody who has no faith?

  19. im sorry but how do i join? what i have to do? please reply.

    • I must speak to my superiors about your request. Due to policies set by my superiors, I cannot give you details, but there is an issue with your brain wave activity.

      Code: R-10

      • i dont get it. and could you speak to them and let me know? i will do anything just let me know what i gotta do. thanks.

        • I have been advised to offer you employment. However, simply having an offer does not guarantee a position within this society. You must first past these simple prerequisites:

          1) Must be female
          2) Be between the ages of 18 and 28
          3) Not married
          4) Not homosexual

          Unlike civilians, gender discrimination laws do not apply to members of the Illuminati. We are only looking for what I listed. Kindly respond as soon as possible, so I may further advise you with your acceptance process.

        • ima male. other three = fine.
          what am i suppose to do now?

        • I will notify you when a position for men opens up.

  20. I want to join the illuminati. The andromedans

    • An agent has been dispatched to observe you. You will never see the agent. I will reply if you meet all requirements.

  21. I want to join the illuminati, I am a smart 18 year old who has studied them for years, I would do anything..

    • An agent has been dispatched to observe you. You will never see the agent. I will reply if you meet all requirements.

  22. There’s an age limit to joining?

    • For that particular position, yes. There are several positions which have no limits regarding age.

  23. […] you wish to attempt to join the Illuminati, I posted some instructions a few years ago.  Any deviation from those instructions while attempting to join the Illuminati will disqualify […]

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