It has been exposed that I am a reptile alien and that I am the head of the Illuminati, the conspiracy that runs the planet. Most people think this is a really fun job. It’s not. My reptile alien and other alien underlings are competent, but my human underlings are not. My human underlings are incompetent, and they are always causing security breaches. For instance, we had this brilliant plan to make human enslavement official through the use of bike sharing programs run by the U.N., but some crazy candidate for Governor in Colorado last year figured it all out. We made sure he didn’t win the election, but the damage was done. Even worse was how our underwater base of the coast of Patagonia got discovered, how it’s been revealed that we’re monitoring human nuclear weapons, and how a human bureaucratic snafu led to a Russian politician getting abducted by some of our alien compatriots. Those aren’t the worst examples. The worst has to be how everyone now knows we’re planning to destroy Christian marriage. We can’t even fix that one because absolutely everyone knows. Lucky for us, it hasn’t really affected our plans.
One of the problems with my human underlings is inbreeding. The Illuminati has had several generations of the Rockefellers, Rothschilds, Joneses, etc. working for it. The first generation of these families had low intelligence to being with (They were human after all), but they got stupider with each generation. They did crazy things like expose our plans to random people and made plans for human enslavement that were not supposed to change for a hundred years.
I took over the Illuminati a few years ago by deposing its former leader, who failed to deal with these problems. I almost was able to have him put on trial for his incompetence, but he committed reppuku, a reptile alien form of seppuku. Since I took over I have cleaned up the Illuminati considerably. I threw out stupid ideas like the depopulation agenda. We have massive labor shortages all throughout the Reptile Alien Corporate Empire (even with having robotics tech that is millenia ahead of anything you have ever seen) so it’s a bad idea to kill off a major source of slave labor. I also killed the feminism project. It failed at all of its goals. Some humans who had no knowledge of basic economics thought they could double the tax base with feminism and that women “working” useless government jobs would have no effect on the economy. Killing the feminism project didn’t eliminate feminist from the world so I started the mens rights project which included subprojects like MGTOW to get rid of feminism by supporting the then tiny mens rights movement. It’s been working very well.
I’m at a crossroads now. To continue I need to get rid of my human underlings. There’s no such thing as being fired from the Illuminati. It’s execution only. Since these are mostly high profile individuals that will be executed, their deaths will be noticed. To deal with that problem I have a plan to blame their deaths on crazed conspiracy theorists.
However, I need replacement staff, and I want the best humanity has to offer. I realize even the best of humanity still sucks but my options are limited. I have decided to issue an open employment call for the Illuminati. Do you think the world is run by a conspiracy with the intelligence level of monkeys? Are you looking for a conspiracy you can really sink your teeth into? Is the only problem with an evil conspiracy dominating the world that you’re not a part of it? Do you look at your fellow humans and think they deserve to be slaves but not you? Do most humans seem to have the intelligence level of chimpanzees to you? Are you sexually attracted to reptile aliens and hot? Do you know that reptile aliens are superior beings? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, the a job in the Illuminati might be for you.
The Illuminati has excellent medical, dental, vision, and other benefits. We have access to alien medical technology. You won’t find that at any other job. You also can request shifts on the orbital mind control lasers that we use to make guys like David Icke, Alex Jones, and Henry Makow even more insane. It’s seriously fun. Recently, I turned the setting up to “fried brain” while it was pointed at Charlie Sheen. You know what happened next.
If you want to interview for the Illuminati, just think really hard that you want to interview with us. We will telepathically detect your desire for an interview and send a reptile alien or other alien to interview you. If no interviewer shows up in five minutes, your brain failed the first test and you’re not Illuminati material. We don’t accept devil worshipers either. Despite what you may have heard, there is no devil worship here. During the interview you will be given several intelligence tests. Pass those and you will get a job offer with the Illuminati. If you refuse our offer, you will be executed because keeping you around is too dangerous. You will be given a job in the Illuminati matching your skill set. Some of you may even get to work directly for me in the secret command lair under Dulles Airport.
The only thing is that you can’t tell the Rockefellers, Rothschilds, etc. what is going on. I need to complete hiring before I can have them executed. If they find out about this plan, they might do something about. On second thought, no they won’t. They’re too stupid to do anything. Feel free to tell them if you wish. In fact, I encourage it just so you know what I have had to deal with the last few years.
Here is some reptile alien legalese for dealing with humans I need to include: We also have absolutely no sexual harassment policy, no affirmative action policy, no anti-discrimination policy, and no inter-species harassment policy. We are not an equal opportunity employer either. Employment at the Illuminati is completely at your own risk. By agreeing to work for the Illuminati you agree that your life may be terminated for extreme incompetence and/or colossal failure.
Come work for the Illuminati today. And if you think this is an April Fool’s joke, it’s not because reptile aliens don’t have April Fools Day in our culture.